Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
