How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
