The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
