There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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