Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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