Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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