Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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