she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
