I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
