as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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