At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
