Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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