we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
