so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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