i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
