you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
