first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
