just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
