there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
