Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
