You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
