i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
