i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
