Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
