Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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