nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
