Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
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one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize