i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
