i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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