think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
