I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
