sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
