so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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