turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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