Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
