The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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