There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
