I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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