trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
