I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Couch. On fire.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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