i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
