Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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