whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
