it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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