You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
