My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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