My Higher Power is John Stamos
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
