oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
