Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
