Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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