The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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