just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Even my vagina gasped.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
