I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
