I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
