You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
