You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
