Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
