U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
