take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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