hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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