checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
