My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
